Today has been a long day for me – it’s a dark, gloomy, cloudy day with a covering of white “ice” all over the ground and Mom has been in bed most of the day, so I'm left to myself without any company. It’s not that I didn’t have things I to do around the house, but I chose not to – even though I’m not sure why I made that choice.
Some days, I get down thinking about Mother and her lack of any quality of life. It makes me really sad that she can’t remember so many things about her life and simply believes that she is not at home, does not have her family around her and believes she has no purpose.
This morning she woke up about 6:00 am and rang her bell for me. When I went in to her she asked if the preacher was here yet. After explaining to her that it is Saturday, she said she knew that – she was supposed to be married today. She then wanted to know if I had heard from the “groom” or any of the expected wedding guests. I told her how bad the weather was and that the roads were pretty bad for travel. She decided then, that we must postpone the wedding and I would need to notify each of the guests to let them know there would not be a wedding today. I assured her I would and told her to rest for a while.
She slept then until about 1:00 pm when she started calling for “Mom”. I went in to her and asked if she wanted to get up. She said she didn’t want to get up, yet – just wanted to see if anyone else was in the house. I tell her all the time that we never leave her alone, but she still thinks she’s alone a lot of the time. She doesn’t like to be left alone and gets anxious and tearful when she thinks she’s been left.
I finally went in about 4:30 and told her that she needed to get up for little while, at least. She did get up then and sat in the living room for a couple of hours. Jody had been in town and brought dinner home for us from Sonic. After she ate, Mother wanted to know how much I thought she owed “that woman” for her food. I told her she didn’t owe anything, that Jody and I bought it for her. Ten minutes later, she asked me the same thing again and I gave her the same answer.
She is getting weaker all the time. She leans to the left and has to be supported – more than usual – when she is up on her walker. Even though she leans to the left, her right side seems much weaker. She has trouble lifting her right foot to walk and forgets to grasp the walker handle with her right hand. I actually have to place her right hand on the grip and tell her to hold on to it. Her appetite has really decreased – she lost just over five pounds in the past two weeks. She’s not drinking much so she doesn’t have much output either.
I know it’s about time to get the wheelchair out and stop trying to keep her on the walker. I’m afraid once she stops using the walker, it will be much harder to care for her and that is why I keep delaying it as long as possible. When Connie was here on Wednesday, she said if I notice that she is so unsteady it might be better to plan for her to have a bed bath rather than trying to get her in the shower. I know it’s inevitable – she is going to be bedfast at some point in time and that time is coming up quickly.
One of my favorite scriptures to read when I feel down about anything and need a “faith-lift” is the 11th chapter of Hebrews. It serves as a reminder of what faith really means. I love to read about the faith of Abraham in trusting God when told to sacrifice Isaac; Abraham, too old to produce children and Sarah in her barren years, yet they became pregnant; Noah built the ark as a result of his faith in God; Rahab, who welcomed the spies and was saved from death and the faith of those who marched around the Walls of Jericho for seven days until the walls fell – there are so many instances of great faith.
I know that if each of these could have so much faith in God then my faith in Him can be great also – even though I don’t understand why Mother has to live in the condition she is in now. What a great reward awaits her when she leaves this earth!
I know that all things are in God’s time and not my own and I’m really glad that’s the way it works! I learn patience and endurance and my faith is strengthened each time I go through trials.
God is good and God is constant and He hears my prayers. I strive daily to please God in my actions and in my words. I am thankful for the great examples of faith throughout the Bible so that in seeing the faith of others, my faith is strengthened as well.
“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” Hebrews 11:6
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